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Comments on: Consensual relationships https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/conflict-break-up/consensual-relationships/ Meg-John Barker's website Wed, 11 Nov 2020 13:58:41 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1.4 By: Meg-John Barker https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/conflict-break-up/consensual-relationships/#comment-27999 Wed, 11 Nov 2020 09:22:15 +0000 https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/?p=4690#comment-27999 In reply to Sophia.

I agree so much with all of this – and I need to read that book – sounds highly relevant.

Yes absolutely power imbalances of all kinds can make it extremely difficult to extricate from non-consensual dynamics. I guess, for me, the first step in those cases is to put in any kind of spaciousness that is possible – e.g. getting away for a week without the other person, or a vacation from a non-consensual work situation, or giving myself a little time alone every morning to journal about what’s happening, or getting weekly therapy or peer-support to talk with someone about it. Then it might be about slowly considering options, and getting to a place where I can allow that it would be okay to do those things, and figure out which might be practically possible – or what support I might draw on to make them practically possible. In both work and personal relationship situations that phase from recognising that non-consensual dynamics are happening in ways that can’t be dealt with within the system/relationship, and extricating fully, can be months or even years.

My hope would also be that recognising our own patterns, and building systems of support and consensual communities, might mean that these things are both easier to notice, and easier to withdraw from – the more aware and resourced we are, and the more we have people around us to help us to notice and to affirm that it’s important to do what we need. I completely agree with you that it’s so important for us all to get more and more familiar with the way these patterns show up in us and our relationships, so we can name that with people, and keep an eye on it, rather than the more common situation of trying hard to avoid seeing what we’re doing, and encouraging others to be complict in that avoidance.

I love your points about work. I’m another one where self-employment has been the way for a more consensual relationship with it. But it’s an excellent point that different kind of work, and relationship, containers make it easier – and more difficult – for different people to maintain boundaries and self-consent.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and helping me think a bit more about these elements.

]]> By: Sophia https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/conflict-break-up/consensual-relationships/#comment-27997 Tue, 10 Nov 2020 17:33:38 +0000 https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/?p=4690#comment-27997 I noticed that the first part of your suggestion for addressing non consensual dynamics in relationships is about withdrawing. I wonder about the barriers to withdrawal, especially where there is a non consensual power dynamic – like with a boss, someone you’re financially dependent on etc. It seems like a really great plan in many dynamics, if you can, but so hard in others. I’m reading a book at the moment about STAIR narrative therapy for cPTSD and it has specific education suggestions around recognizing relationships with power differentials and the different relationship patterns that might come up. I think recognizing and responding to those pattens can differ and the barriers to self consent can differ depending on power.
Personally, relying on a single employer felt crushing to my ability to have a consensual relationship with work. I feel much safer and much more able to manage demands on my time as a self employed person. I know others feel the opposite way around, being self employed feels overwhelming and they can’t put work down, but they are able to manage reasonable boundaries with a single workplace. It seems like at least part of that is how folks relate to someone having power over them and how they relate to uncertainty.
I wonder whether unearthing our own patterns when we have power over others, when others have power over us and when power is neutral is an exercise worth doing? I think it might be.

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