Hi Meg, Yes, I should have been clearer; I know you’re not the one defining relationship success by longevity. I can’t resist commenting further: I find a lot of people don’t even try to nurture love, partly because they don’t understand love itself and partly because it’s a lot of work. Instead they hope that the magic and the mystery of the feeling itself will carry them through. When it doesn’t work, often enough they blame love, their luck or what’s meant to be. While they might have a point with some of that, in my mind there’s no escaping the need to learn how to nurture a loving connection. Wendy

Thanks so much for taking time to respond Wendy. I hope what I was saying was clear enough – it is that when people ask me what makes a successful relationship they often assume that ‘successful’ means ‘staying together for a long time’. I’m completely in agreement with you that longevity isn’t the best measure of success. People sometimes stay in very unhappy and unfulfilling relationships. I like your suggested alternative definitions of success a lot more – and I really love your point about learning how to nurture loving connections (of all kinds) being a lifelong project.

I’m a psychotherapist and I love your website! I always think of lots of comments and today I have the time to write a bit. I don’t agree with the answer that the definition of success in a relationship is longevity. I’ve seen some long-lasting and very disturbing relationships of all types. Sure, the individuals remain attached to each other because there’s something they don’t understand or feel capable of leaving. Is that success? Well, thankfully, therapists don’t give clients solutions, so it’s up to them to decide about success, continuation…that sort of thing. In my experience, success comes in many forms: resolving an issue that’s dogged a person, getting sick and tired of something negative and giving it up, finding inner integrity, feeling appreciation and respect…I could go on and on. Now, in my opinion, success in a relationship is the result of having enough spontaneously produced love in the first place and the wisdom to handle it with care. Not all relationships have the stuff for longevity and learning how to nurture loving connections is a lifelong project.

Wendy Brown