Comments on: Hot love: Being and having

By: Meg-John Barker

Meg-John Barker — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 11:30:58 +0000

Sorry to hear you’ve had a wrenching one too. I’m glad this connected with you.

By: Juliana García

Juliana García — Mon, 18 Nov 2019 19:15:36 +0000

okay, you just summed up my whole year relationship wise. It has been quite wrenching at times, but alas, trying really hard to focus on the being kind of love now. Thanks for this!!!

By: Meg-John Barker

Meg-John Barker — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 17:42:58 +0000

In reply to Jamie. Yes! I love all of these thoughts, thankyou so much for the comment. Learning to breathe, to be alongside, to share the warmth. Also very much liking the idea of lots of dogs :-)

By: Jamie

Jamie — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 17:38:32 +0000

Do you think, for some people that they need to learn to breathe? To be able to learn just to be in the world again? Not about intense love whether erotic or autoerotic (Narcissistic Love), but leaning to just be in the world again. Like the helicopter idea but reversed, learning that you might be able to walk and eventually hold others’ hands as friends and support some time too? Hot love can be or feel like hot hate., passion, desire or rage, or even deep love? Any real relationship is with at least two people…? But learning to understand who we are helps us to relate? I’m also thinking of the support dog. S/he can be a companion and there can be deep love, but it does lack something? It’s never the same as the love we feel for other people, or romantic love (not necessarily hot- but warm and total acceptance of who they are). This does not mean liking the bad bits or putting up with bad behaviour, but a conversation to understand each other. If we look analytically we may miss the being bit? Analysis can help those who are able to analyse emotion: their own as well as others in the exact same way-rationally or deep empathy? Empathy exists in different ways and even on some spectrums? I’m thinking a bit like PDA? I love the warm love notion and the candle, but maybe starting with a log burner, a dog, and inviting others who want to share the warmth, from the fire and then each other as all friends do. If we see the fire as ourselves or others we surely miss the warmth? I’m not saying that we can not be warm to others of course, or feel their warmth. I think trauma can work in lots of ways and part of loving is accepting that we are all different but have the same need to share love? Like bhuddism, not judging each other until we can truly understand each other without either rejecting in warm, hot, cold, freezing, tepid or even raging passion, or disgust or hate? Starting with just being in the same room and sharing lots of candles, maybe with a few dogs for extra warmth? Be nice to understand enough. I’m learning its best for me to try not to analyse myself or others but just try to be in that room with another human again.

By: Meg-John Barker

Meg-John Barker — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 17:18:48 +0000

In reply to Kamran.

Thanks it’s such a helpful perspective – I’m so glad I kept going reading it past the bit where he justifies using ‘he’ and ‘man’ as universal terms!

By: Kamran

Kamran — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 16:09:03 +0000

I miss Fromm’s insights on love and human relationships. Great to see you taking up Erich Fromm with recognition of its 1970s limitations.