It was part of a selection of Routledge authors providing their thoughts on new year changes. I don’t necessarily share all of their ideas, but it is nice to see several in there about kindness and openness.

Also I really like that one of my tips is illustrated with this lovely creature

The post Buzzfeed new year tips appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.

Here are a few more thoughts on the matter, as well as some tips if you are keen to make some resolutions, but in a kinder way.

This may not be the best time of year to make promises to ourselves

There are certain times of year, and times of life, when people often feel pressured to make promises to themselves and to change their lives in various ways. Generally these aren’t great times to do these things because of all the pressure surrounding them. At times like that we often try to force changes, rather than making them kindly. Also we often try to make lots of changes all at once. We can end up feeling a huge sense of failure if we don’t succeed because of all the pressure on the situation.

If we are going to, how can we make a resolution that will last?

First it is important to choose one thing rather than several, particularly if those things conflict. For example, it really doesn’t work if you decide to start eating less, exercising more, and getting up earlier, because all of those things conflict. If you eat less you have less energy for exercise until your body has got used to the change. If you exercise more you often need more, rather than less, sleep in the early days.

Also you want to pick something that you can do kindly, rather than in a forced way where you are constantly criticising yourself about it. We are already so prone to self-criticism that we don’t need more excuses for that! For that reason it might be better to choose something fairly gentle, something where supportive others are doing it alongside you, or something that you can ease into gradually rather than a sudden change.

Is it a good idea to aim at something that challenges us?

I think it is different for different people, and at different times in our lives. Sometimes people really feel like a challenge, and the confidence that you get from managing it can be wonderful. However, the risk is that we can feel really bad about ourselves if we don’t manage it. I think that the key here is kindness and flexibility. For example, if you feel really up for a challenge and decide to work towards a marathon or something that can be great. But if you then find that running stops being pleasurable when you’re doing so much of it, or if you get lots of joint pain, then it’d be worth rethinking your plan rather than forcing it.

If we decide to stop doing something, how can we stick at it?

Maybe consider doing it in a more experimental and playful way instead of deciding on it and sticking to it no matter what. For example, you might decide to change your diet in some way (going veggie, cutting out particular foods, or trying the 5/2 days diet). What about trying it for a certain period of time and noticing how your body responds? It may really not work for your particular body and that’s important information.

Is stopping more negative than starting?

It can feel more negative because you’re withholding something from yourself – which presumably you like – rather than giving yourself something. So perhaps it can be useful to frame a change as starting rather than stopping. For example, ‘I’m starting to experiment with a different way of eating or drinking’, rather than ‘I’m stopping eating junk food, or drinking so much booze’.

The biggest problem with just deciding to change anything though, is that we often don’t give enough thought to what we get from it. There are always good reasons for anything that we do – even if we’re not aware of them – so just deciding to change them overnight often doesn’t work too well. Perhaps instead of deciding to start or stop anything, we could decide to spend the next few months noticing it more: learning how we currently treat our body (around food, cigarettes, alcohol, or exercise, for example), or whether there are periods of time that we could open up to a new hobby or interest, perhaps. Once we feel we have a better awareness then we can start to experiment with change, again to see how it goes rather than with a plan to definitely stick with it. Gradual change often sticks far better than sudden change. I rather like the Taoist saying which goes ‘there is so much to do, there is so little time: we must go slowly.’

Quick Tips

Go slowly: We often try to make changes before we really understand the situation (e.g. why we currently drink a lot, or don’t exercise much). Instead of resolving to change something, why not resolve just to notice it for the next few months? When we understand what we get from the current situation, it is much easier to make a change that lasts.

Treat yourself kindly: It’s easy to make changes in a highly self-critical way, and none of us need more of that in our lives! Try to focus on changes that treat you kindly, and put them in place gradually and flexibly. Don’t beat yourself up if they don’t work out. Even better, why not make your resolution simply to treat yourself more kindly. You’ll be surprised how many other changes come so much more easily if you can manage that.

Read more

Justin Hancock on how to make resolutions if you do decide to

A nice collection of advice from Petra Boynton last year

The post New Year Resolutions appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.

In the interview below I suggest that it might be better to consider alternative ways of making changes. I also put forward a few ideas for kinder resolutions if New Year does feel like a good time to start doing something different.

According to research by allabouthealth.co.uk, three-quarters of the 3,000 British adults they surveyed will break their New Year resolution by the second week of January. What is it about this time of year that makes us more susceptible to breaking those promises to ourselves?

It is not so much that the time of year makes us susceptible to breaking promises but rather that it is the time of year when we are encouraged into making promises. The ways in which we make New Year resolutions often set us up to fail, so we end up feeling bad about ourselves.

Why do we make New Year resolutions in the first place?

We make resolutions on New Year because there is a strong culture of doing so. When we’re surrounded by magazine articles, TV programmes and advertisements about resolutions, all promising the possibility of a ‘new, happier, more successful you’, it’s easy to feel like we have to join in.

The other reason that New Year resolutions appeal to us is that we are generally encouraged to feel that there is something wrong with us that requires fixing. Consumer culture relies on us believing that we’re lacking in some way in order to sell us products. We need to compare ourselves against others and find ourselves wanting in order to believe that we need to look better, be more popular, own better gadgets, and sign up to various diets, dating sites, or gyms. Self-help books, makeover TV programmes and women’s and men’s magazines also sell us the message that we must engage in processes of self-improvement.

New Year resolutions feed us the hope that an overnight transformation might be possible on all of the things that we spend the rest of year worrying might not really be okay about ourselves.

Would we feel better about ourselves if we kept to them?

I think we’d feel better about ourselves if we didn’t make them in the first place! Many New Year Resolutions come from a place of feeling sad, angry or anxious about ourselves. When we make them and break them we end up layering further tough feelings about ourselves on top of the ones that we already have, including guilt, shame and self-loathing. Resolutions become an additional stick to beat ourselves with: we are only okay if we keep this – very challenging – promise to ourselves. If we then fail to keep the resolution we’re likely to feel even worse.

Is there anything we can do to enable us to keep to them for the next twelve months?

The first thing to do is to think about why we are making these resolutions. Do they come from a place of wanting to shift our lives in ways which will be positive for us, or is it more about thinking that we’re not really okay the way we are? If the latter, then we might decide to focus our resolutions more on being kinder to ourselves rather than on trying to change.

Ironically many of the things that we make resolutions about (losing weight, getting fit, changing job, finding a relationship, etc.) rarely work when we try to do them in a harsh self-critical way.
For example, it is only when we let go of desires to look better and aim to be kind to the body that we actually have that we are able to tune into what it needs regarding food, and what kind of physical activity we actually enjoy and therefore have more likelihood of sticking to. It is only when we are kind to ourselves that we can cultivate the kind of confidence it takes to apply for jobs or meet new people.

We need to remember that we are all complex, multi-faceted, people rather than trying to force ourselves into a narrow model of perfection. We have all kinds of things about ourselves that are great, as well as those that are more problematic, just like everybody else.

If we do want to use New Year as a time to prompt changes in our lives then another thing we need to do is to really understand what has been stopping us from making those changes before. This involves recognising that we are sensible people who wouldn’t do (or not do) something unless there was some good reason. Finding the sense in why this change is so difficult, scary, or threatening is the first step towards making it, because then we can do it in a much kinder way and address those blocks that are present.

You don’t avoid exercise because you are lazy, rather it may be that your past experience with physical activity has been negative, or you struggle to feel that it is okay to take time away from work or other commitments. You don’t avoid promotion because you’re an idiot, rather it is perhaps that you are scared of failing, or of taking that step and having the pressure on you to keep succeeding. Understanding these reasons rather than just labelling ourselves as stupid, crazy or rubbish, is vital.

What would your top five tips be to people to help them keep their resolutions?

• Don’t feel pressured to make major resolutions just because it is New Year. Rather spend plenty of time thinking about things you want to change and do it when the time is right for you.
• Make kind resolutions from the assumption that you are okay just as you are.
• Don’t use resolutions as a stick to beat yourself with. If you lapse that is okay, just see it as useful information about why this is so tough for you.
• Make the first step be about awareness. Try to understand why the change is difficult and why you want to make it so much. You need to understand yourself before you can change things.
• Resolving not to make resolutions is always fine, and a good model for those around you who are inevitably struggling just as much as you are.

The post New Year Resolutions appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.