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]]>Thanks so much to Franki Cookney for inviting me into conversation on The Second Circle podcast about bad sex. You can access the episode here.
One in eight women and one in twenty men say they lack enjoyment during sex.
For all the conflicting messages we get around sex, most of us know that on some level we’re supposed to enjoy it. But there are a lot of things that can stand in our way.
Further resources
- A Practical Guide to Sex.
- Sexuality: A Graphic Guide.
- How to Understand Your Sexuality.
- Make Your Own Sex Manual Zine.
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]]>The post Figuring out your sexuality appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.
]]>Is it common for people to question their sexuality?
It’s actually really common. Although many people assume that we’re born with a fixed sexual orientation, actually recent research has found that most people’s sexuality is fluid, meaning that it changes over the course of their lives. For example, we might have been attracted to one gender for our whole lives but experience an attraction to somebody of another gender. This might start us questioning how we identify our sexuality going forward.
It’s also important to remember that sexuality isn’t just about what gender or genders we’re attracted to. It’s also about the amount of sexual attraction we experience (from none to high), the kinds of sex we enjoy, the types of people we find attractive, the roles we like to take sexually (more active or passive, submissive or dominant), and many other things. All of these aspects of our sexuality can change over time meaning that we might start to question what our sexuality is, or how we identify it.
Can this happen at any time in your life?
Absolutely. Most people experience some changes in their sexuality over the course of their lives, for example in the age of the people they’re attracted to, the amount of sex they want to have, or the types of things that turn them on. Our sexuality can be impacted by our physical and mental health, the amount of energy we have, the people we hang out with, who we’re in relationships with, and the messages about sex that are around us in our communities and cultures. All of those things change over time as well.
Why might someone question their sexuality?
Some common reasons for questioning our sexuality include:
- Finding that we’re attracted to someone who is quite different to our usual attractions (e.g. a different gender, physical appearance, or background)
- A friend, colleague or family member coming out as a different sexuality which can make us realise that it might apply to us too
- Learning about a sexuality we were previously unfamiliar with in the media or from a friend. This can give us a sudden sense of realisation: ‘oh maybe I could be that,’ ‘that label might apply to me.’
- Watching porn, reading erotica, or having a fantasy and realising we’re turned on by something that we didn’t used to be turned on by, or which we just hadn’t thought about before.
What should you do if you think you might be gay, bisexual, pansexual, queer etc?
First of all it’s really important to remember that whatever your sexuality is – and however you decide to label it – is absolutely fine. Sadly we live in a culture which gives us the idea that it’s more ‘normal’ or ‘better’ to be straight than it is to be gay, bisexual, pansexual, queer, etc. Actually, recent research suggests that at least as many young people are on the spectrum from ‘exclusively heterosexual’ to ‘exclusively homosexual’ than are at the ‘exclusive heterosexual’ end of that spectrum. Also more people have some kind of kinky sexual desires than don’t. And many people are on the asexual spectrum. Even if your sexuality is very rare or unusual, it’s still completely legitimate, so long as you only act on it consensually (that’s also true for common sexualities too of course!)
If you think you might be a different sexuality than the one you thought you were then it’s a great idea to do some self-exploration. Give yourself time to reflect on your sexuality and how you might like to label it, if at all. Journalling, engaging with ethical porn (and paying for it!), reading erotica, and fantasising are all great ways to do self-exploration.
It can also be really helpful to get support from other people who are in these sexual communities. There are online groups, meet-up groups, and community resources for all of these sexualities, as well as books and videos online. Check this stuff out but do remember that nobody should be pressurising you to label yourself in any way, or to come out unless that feels good to you. Go gently and take your time.
Is there a way to know?
Sexuality is a complex, constantly changing and evolving, thing so there’s no way to be sure whether you are ‘really’ straight, gay, bi, pansexual, asexual, demisexual, submissive, etc. It’s much more about whether those words – or others – feel like a good fit for you. It’s fine to just call yourself ‘questioning’ for as long as that feels right, or simply not to label yourself. It’s also fine to use one label for a while, and then change it if it stops feeling like such a good fit.
The main thing to remember is that it is perfectly legitimate to have whatever attractions and desires you have sexually, so long as you only act upon them consensually. If that feels like a struggle for you – or if these questions are causing you distress – then it’s worth getting some professional help from a therapist or counsellor. The Pink Therapy list in the UK is a good one for therapists who specialise in this area. The Kink Aware Professionals and Poly Friendly Professionals lists online are also useful international resources.
What would you recommend for people who think they might be but aren’t sure – any resources, books, practical tips?
I’m writing a book called How To Understand Your Sexuality next year which will hopefully be helpful! Meanwhile BishUK and Scarleteen are excellent resources for younger people questioning their sexuality, and contain useful material for people of all ages too.
You might also find these zines helpful to work through:
Justin Hancock and I talk about these themes often on our podcast at megjohnandjustin.com.
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]]>The post Podcast: Who to talk to about sex, and how appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.
]]>This new year episode is all about how to talk about sex with partners and other people in your lives, as well as navigating discrepancies in sex drive in your relationships. You also get to hear me and Justin singing so it’s clearly not to be missed 
Justin has also just brought out an awesome activity book about sex and relationships which includes wordsearches, dot-to-dots, and boardgames along with lot of sound advice and info. Do get a copy for you, or the young person in your life.
If you’re any kind of teacher or educator then check out his amazing free RSE resources over at the Durex DO project.
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]]>The post Explore more: Sex and relationship advice appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.
]]>Check out this page to watch all the vids and find out more about the rest of this amazing online summit about sex, love, relationships, self-care, and much more.
My vid covered:
- The systemic & pervasive problems with sex advice, and what Justin Hancock and I are proposing as an alternative to enjoying sex.
- Why having sexual goals (orgasm, erection, wetness, intercourse) pushes us further from pleasure & connection.
- Getting our needs met from a variety of sources and the importance of valuing non-romantic, non-sexual relationships.
- Consent for the entire relationship and what that looks like for all of us.
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]]>The post Enrich TV: Interview on love and sex appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.
]]>- Reflect on the cultural messages about relationships and how well they fit for you
- Consider treating all kinds of relationships as valuable, rather than prioritising romantic ones
- Recognise that separateness is as important as togetherness
- Practise being present to how things are now, remembering that everything changes over time
- Put sex in its place (wherever that is for you)
I hope you enjoy it…
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Explore More is a free online summit that is all about exploring your more: in sex (of all kinds), in your relationships, and in your life.
There are talks on sexual pleasure, body politics, oppression, diet culture, trauma, emotional intelligence, disability, and so so much more.
It all starts March 8th and runs for 10 days, but if you register early you get a free mini workbook full of prompts, questions, and quotes from all of the talks. Also there’s a private Facebook group where you can connect with other attendees and the speakers.
If you fancy it, grab your spot, check out the line up, and tell your friends – exploremoresummit.com
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]]>The post That was 2015, what about 2016? appeared first on Rewriting The Rules.
]]>Next year is going to be hugely exciting because I’ll have four books coming out which take the work I started with Rewriting the Rules in exciting new directions.
- In February The Secrets of Enduring Love comes out: the book I was working on earlier this year based on Jacqui Gabb‘s study of people in long term relationships. It weaves together the experiences of the people Jacqui and her team spoke to with various useful ideas and research about what makes relationships work.
- In Autumn/Winter there’ll be two books from Icon. First the comic introduction to queer theory and activism which I’ve been working on with Julia Scheele, and then the sex advice book that I’ve been writing with Justin Hancock. These have been such exciting projects to be involved with – delving into the theory and history of sex and gender on the one hand, and then thinking deeply about how it applies to our everyday lives on the other.
- Finally, towards the end of the year the Psychology of Sex book should come out as part of Routledge’s new Psychology of Everything series. Speaking of which I really should get on with writing that now… [Later me note: actually I wrote it in 2016 but it didn’t come out till 2018!]
In the meantime here’s the review of 2015 on this blog that wordpress produced for me.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 120,000 times in 2015. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 5 days for that many people to see it.
Click here to see the complete report.
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