Mismatched sexual desires

Thanks so much to Charlotte Dingle for including me in this great piece about navigating differences in libido late last year. You can read my full interview below.

Do mismatched sex drives have to be a dealbreaker?

Not at all, in fact it would be highly unusual if any two people did not have differences – often significant differences – in terms of the amount and kind of sex they want. It would be great if we could assume, going into relationships, that this would be the case and talk openly about how we’d like to navigate these discrepancies. Unfortunately there’s a huge cultural mythology that if a relationship is ‘right’ we’ll be matched in terms of our sex drives and desires. This means that people find it very hard to acknowledge, and get support around it, when that’s not the case.

How can a compromise be reached without the partner(s) with the higher sex drive feeling unwanted and/or the partner(s) with the lower sex drive feeling coerced?

It’s very useful to untangle sex from other things where possible. Instead of thinking, or saying, ‘I want sex’ we can tune in and identify what we really want, and then assess whether sex is the only way to get there. In your example it sounds like somebody wants to feel wanted by their partner. Can they explore where that ‘wanting to be wanted’ comes from, and what range of experiences give them that feeling? It’s very helpful to tune into what we really want and need, so we can take the pressure off sex being the only thing that can fulfill those wants and needs.

It can also help to make a sexual venn diagram, of overlapping circles for the people in the relationship, where we include all of our sexual desires in the circles, with the ones we share in the overlapping part. Then we can have conversations about how we might connect in ways where we can enjoy those overlapping desires. We can also talk about the ways in which each person might be able to explore and enjoy the desires they have that are not in the overlap. In consensually non-monogamous relationships that might be with other people, in monogamous relationships it might be in giving everyone time and space for solo sex of various kinds, for example.

What about situations where there is a kink vs vanilla compromise to be made? 

This is no different to the previous example really. Again if we assume that there will always be differences in desires, then kink/vanilla is just one of the ways those differences might show up, and it’s up to each relationships to keep returning to the ways in which each person might explore and enjoy those desires which aren’t compatible. 

In this case, however, it is probably worth unpacking more what’s meant by ‘kink’ and ‘vanillia’. Rather than assuming, it may be more helpful to list all of the erotic desires and fantasies each person has and mapping them on the venn diagram. It may be there are some compatibilities that show up when we don’t assume what counts as ‘kink’ or ‘vanilla’.

How common would you say this issue is, especially in LGBTQ+ and poly relationships?

It is extremely common among everybody. Given that all our sex drives and desires shift and change over time, even if we were 100% compatible at one point in time (unlikely!) then that won’t be true for the whole length of our relationship. It’s way more helpful to assume that we’ll fluctuate over time. There can be some more acceptance of sexual fluidity in LGBTQ+ communities, but there can also be a carry-over from mainstream heterosexual culture that sexual discrepancies are a problem.

One big question is how we can untether sex from other aspects of a relationship. A key reason that people often feel that they have to have sex when they don’t want to is that they assume that other aspects of a relationship are contingent on them continuing to have sex. If we want to be truly consensual we have to accept that our partners may stop wanting sex with us for a while, or even forever, and that this should not mean they would lose, for example, our love, respect, financial security, family, or anything else. Asexual and aromantic communities are perhaps at the forefront of navigating relationships in this way.

Struggling with sexual discrepancies can be less common in poly groups given that there is a built in possibility that people can meet different desires and needs in different relationships. However, there can still be an assumption in poly communities that for a relationship to ‘count’ as a relationship there needs to be sex involved, or that being sexually ‘compatible’ is better or ideal. Again, the more we can question such assumptions, the better.

What kind of resources would you recommend for those facing this sort of issue?

BishUK and Scarleteeen are two excellent websites for young people (but really useful to everyone), and School of Consent is brilliant. In terms of my own books, hopefully How to Understand Your Sexuality, Sexuality: A Graphic Guide, and A Practical Guide to Sex do a pretty good job at covering these issues. There’s also a free book about consent on my website, and the zine Justin Hancock and I created to Make Your Own Sex Manual helps you to communicate overlaps and mismatches in desire.


Meg-John (MJ) Barker (they/them) is a writer, zine-maker, collaborator, contemplative practitioner, and friend. They are the author of a number of zines and popular books on sex, gender, and relationships, including graphic guides to Queer, Gender, and Sexuality (with Jules Scheele), and How To Understand Your Gender, Sexuality and Relationships (with Alex Iantaffi).

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